Assertiveness

How to assertively accept criticism, or constructive ways to deal with criticism

April 5 2024

We don’t like to be criticized. When we’re criticized, we often take a defensive stance – we feel tension, threat, or fear. The ability to accept criticism seems to be crucial nowadays for maintaining our well-being. However, many of us struggle with its proper acceptance.

When we are criticized, we often react in three ways:

1. Aggressive response to criticism

…where we immediately react, trying to defend ourselves or counterattack

This often leads to an escalation of conflict and deterioration of interpersonal relationships. Instead of reacting calmly, we immediately try to defend ourselves or counterattack. Such behavior often only worsens the situation. As a result, the conflict intensifies, and our relationships with other people suffer. In personal life, aggression can lead to violent exchanges of words, which, in turn, can destroy trust and relationships. And the emotional damage that arises in this way is often very difficult to repair.

At work, an aggressive reaction to criticism can be even more harmful. It can lead to isolation in the workplace, or even to the loss of a job. Instead of solving problems, aggressive behavior only deepens them.

2. Avoiding criticism

…where we ignore or minimize criticism, avoiding it and not taking action to understand its causes or consequences.

It often happens that we ignore or minimize criticism, avoiding it and not taking any action to understand why it was expressed towards us In such situations, we often pretend that everything is fine or simply tolerate destructive criticism. We may approach it passively, thinking that it is the best way to solve the problem. Unfortunately, although in the short term this may seem effective, excessive avoidance of criticism leads to a loss of self-confidence in ourselves and in the eyes of others. Tolerating unjust criticism leads to problems in relationships. Avoiding criticism can limit our personal and professional development and also negatively affect our relationships with loved ones, colleagues, and superiors. It can be perceived as a lack of commitment and professionalism, which can lead to serious consequences in our work and personal lives.

3. Identifying with destructive criticism

…where we easily succumb to undeserved criticism and adjust our actions to it.

Identifying with unfair criticism is a situation that often affects people with low self-esteem. When someone unjustly criticizes us, we succumb to the belief that this criticism is justified. Instead of defending ourselves or explaining, we simply accept it and adjust our actions accordingly. This, in turn, leads to further lowering of our self-esteem, we feel worse and worse, frustration grows, and we begin to avoid contact with other people, feeling more and more isolated.

At work, accepting unjust criticism can have serious consequences. Our efficiency decreases, we lose motivation to act. If we cannot distinguish constructive criticism from personal attack, we may have problems with professional development and achieving success in our careers. This can lead to stagnation and frustration in the workplace.

How to counteract these reactions?

Taking care of our well-being requires us to strengthen our emotional control skills and develop a calm response to criticism. Three techniques described by Manuel J. Smith (Bantam Books, 1975) in the book “When I Say No, I Feel Guilty” can help us with this:

The “healthy assertive response” technique – focusing on areas for improvement

…involves accepting criticism while expressing our thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively.

The “healthy assertive response” technique, also known as “reasonable defense” or “healthy assertive response,” is a communication strategy that involves accepting criticism in a constructive way while expressing our thoughts, feelings, and needs assertively.

The main principles of this technique are:

Acceptance of criticism
Expression of our thoughts and feelings
Determination of further actions

An example of using this technique may be a situation in which we receive criticism about our work from a supervisor. Instead of defending ourselves or ignoring the criticism, we accept it and at the same time propose actions to improve our performance or effectiveness.

Another example of using this technique may be a situation in which we receive criticism from a colleague at work regarding our effectiveness in implementing a project. Instead of defending ourselves, we can use the “healthy assertive response” technique:

Acceptance of criticism: Listen to the other person’s comments and accept that there may be some truth in them.
Expression of our thoughts and feelings: Respond assertively, expressing your observations about the criticism and your feelings about it.
Determination of further actions: Analyze together how you can improve work effectiveness and what steps need to be taken to avoid similar situations in the future.

Example: “I understand you have some concerns about my work, but I would like you to point out specific areas where I can improve.”

The “active ignoring” technique – focusing on action

…involves ignoring unjust or unconstructive criticism and focusing on the constructive aspects of the message.

The main principle of the “active ignoring” technique is to focus on the constructive aspects of the situation, ignoring or minimizing criticism.

To effectively use the “active ignoring” technique, you should:

Focus on the positive aspects of your idea
Ignore negative comments
Continue the presentation with determination

Imagine that during a meeting with the team, you present your idea for a new project, and one of your colleagues criticizes it, saying it is impractical and unrealistic. Instead of reacting emotionally to his comments, you can use the “active ignoring” technique:

Focus on the positive aspects of your idea: Remind yourself why you believe your project has potential and what benefits it can bring to the company.
Ignore negative comments: Do not engage in a discussion about the impracticality of the project. Instead, focus on presenting additional arguments to support your idea.
Continue the presentation with determination: Express your thoughts and arguments assertively, not letting critical comments discourage you

Example: “Thank you for your opinion. Let’s now focus on the specific steps I can take to solve this problem.”

The “specific response” technique – focusing on analysis, past examples

…involves focusing on specific facts and issues, while avoiding defending oneself or counterattacking.

The main principle of the “specific response” technique is to focus on specific facts and emotions related to the situation, rather than general accusations and allegations.

The key steps of the “specific response” technique are:

Identifying specific criticism: The critic expresses their concerns, but does not always precisely indicate what they are. In such a situation, it is important to understand their point of view.
Providing specific responses: The reaction to criticism should be specific. It is important to calmly state your position.
Presenting your own position: After identifying the problem, it is worth expressing your position on the matter. This is the moment when we can show that we understand the criticism and are ready to take action.
Proposing a constructive solution: It is worth proposing specific steps that we will take to solve the problem. It can be our action plan or a request for additional support.

An example of using this technique may be a situation in which someone criticizes our work. Instead of defending ourselves, we focus on specific aspects that have been criticized. We can respond that we understand that our project does not meet expectations and propose specific steps to improve it.

Criticism: “Your report is incomplete and has many errors.”

1. Identifying criticism: “Could you give specific examples of errors or missing information?”
2. Providing specific responses: “I understand that there seem to be some shortcomings in the report. Could you specify which exact elements are incomplete or contain errors?”
3. Presenting your own position: “I agree that the report needs improvements. At the same time, I believe that most of the issues stem from a lack of precise input data.”
4. Proposing a constructive solution: “I suggest that we analyze these gaps together and find the best ways to improve them. It might also be worth discussing how we can avoid similar issues in the future.”

Developing assertive coping skills with criticism and building self-confidence seem to be crucial, both in personal and business life. It is important to learn to distinguish constructive criticism from personal attacks and effectively respond to negative feedback, maintaining emotional balance, and building positive relationships with others.

For the inquisitive

Three ways to respond to the same criticism:

Attacking criticism: “You are always late. You can’t be punctual.”

Responses using specific techniques:

Healthy Assertive Response technique:

“I understand that this is frustrating for you. I will try to be more punctual. Can we discuss specific things I can do to avoid being late?”

Active Ignoring Technique:

“Thank you for your input. Let’s focus now on how I can improve my punctuality.”

Specific Response Technique:

“I apologize for my lateness. Can we discuss specific situations where you feel most affected by my lateness, so we can find a solution?”

Attacking criticism: “Your marketing proposals are completely ineffective. They don’t yield any results.”